Monday, July 30, 2007
My mood swing has been damn bad these past few weeks. Lucky I'm not pms-ing or it'll be worse.
I'm screaming for time to stop, but it doesn't.
I'm screaming for time to turn back, but of course it won't happen.
I feel like I'm losing a part of me.
I struggle in vain and wish with all my might, but I know that nothing will change.
Time goes on, fast when times are happy, painfully slow when times are bad.
Nothing will change, yet everything changes.
In life, we gain some things and we lose some things.
I guess, if we gain more than we lose, life could be called worthwhile.
But in actual fact, most of us lose more than we gain. Or rather, we would always feel that we lose more than we gain.
For we never notice nor understand what we gained until we lose them. As the saying goes, we only learn to treasure what we’ve lost. So, does this puts us at the losing end in life?
I'm so afraid to move on. As I am afraid of what I would lose.
I am never sure of what I would gain, but I am quite certain of what I would lose.
When I think about what I'm about to lose, I become unbearably sad.
I know that perhaps someday, these things that I'm about to lose might not matter any more by then, but this agains frightens and saddens me. Will I change and lose or throw away things that matter alot to me now as time washes me ahead on some unknown path?
I really envy those who know what they want or where they would like to go.
Because honestly, I have no idea what I'd like to do, or where I can go. Or maybe, what I would like to do are dreams, and they remain as dreams because I know not how to act.
I feel like all my life, I've been going with the flow because the things are like are either impractical or impossible for me.
Things are changing but I don't know if I'm changing... but I know I don't want to change.
It's scary, scary, scary.
Come to think of it, whatever I might have been through in the past doesn't even add up to this.
I want to run, but I can't.
And if anything happens, I have nothing to fall back on.
So there is nothing I can do but pretend everything is ok and push on.
Maybe one day I might think back and laugh at this.
But this moment is this moment. I can never ever return to this moment. It's there, but I can never reach it. Just like sometimes, I listen to a piece of music that triggers my memories, and I can remember what I had felt back then. But there's no way of feeling the exact same feeling back then because I can never return to "back then". The only thing I feel is nostalgia for that particular feeling back then...
I go on praying. Praying that everything will be alright so that I can really look back at this someday and laugh. Praying that I'll keep at least a piece of the "me" now, for the "me" who is out there in the future.
himitsu @ 2:57 AM.
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