Wednesday, February 16, 2005
chatted wif laysh jus now... and plus other things, plus reading fics that deals with love and hurt and depression... they just got me thinking.
people spend a large part of their lives on love. trying to find the right one, ending up with the wrong one; falling in and out of love; being happy, getting hurt; coming together, separating; marraige, divorce... but at the end of it all, do they actually learn what love is? guess there are those who are blessed enough to know the answer, but there are also those who won't understand it even til they die.
for now, there's one who's trying to figure out what love is before even actually loving... and therefore ends up being too idealistic;
and one who has kinda lost faith love momentarily;
and one who may be questioning herself at little times.
(i'm sorry if u're dragged into this)
i'm self-contradicting when it comes to love, i work out what shld be yet i know it may not/will never be similar to what i've thought. here's smthg i wrote recently:
I believe happiness should be fought for;
I believe fate and destiny plays a part.
I believe true love is worth waiting for,
No matter how long it takes.
I would be happy to be in love just once in my lifetime.
It doesn't need to last forever.
Even if it's only for a short period of time,
To be able to love freely and wildly once,
I would be so blessed.
The hurt that I must experience when in love,
The pain that may break me down completely,
Is definitely worth the smiles love brings as well.
So I would rather be in love.
And when the day comes when I must let go of my love
I'd try to remember the beauty of loving once,
And not shed tears over what would have been lost.
Love is ethereal, as is happiness.
It is way too IDEALISTIC, i admit it. for i know that i would want love to last for the lifetime, for i know that it's not easy to get over the hurt, for i know that the pain will always last longer than the happiness. Happiness is ethereal, and it lasts only for a fleeting moment. Smiles will be lost and forgotten, but pain will remain and tears remembered.
Nobody knows what the outcome will be, therefore you hv to decide if u wanna try... but if given a choice, i'll rather not gamble using my heart as the bet.
And as i've told laysh, i'm afraid of the time tt comes when i fall in love. i'm afraid of expecting too high, setting too high expectations. (about the commitment level) i may ask for too much. yet, the other reason why i'm afraid is becos i'm quite sure that i'll give alot too. really giving alot... tt's probably the reason why i'll ask for alot back in return. i'm afraid of losing myself. if u go along the line, the next thing to come is the enormous amt of hurt when the relationship doesn't work out. hurt that'll be too much to bear.
And there's more... I DON'T BELIEVE IN SUCH THING AS FOREVER. Maybe i do, but i understand well that there may not exist such a thing (very very high % may not have). Time heals, but changes everything too. It washes away the hurt, but it dims the love too. Everything dies in this world, including our emotions/feelings. You may love so deeply at one point in time, but as time passes, what was once loved would no longer be treasured that much. u get too used to it, u dun see it as special anymore, and u just lose the feeling. Argh... but maybe there are those who can really carry their love for each other til eternity.
i guess it may be practical to look for someone who's good to you instead of someone u love. Someone who loves you more than you love him. Maybe it's better to be loved than to love. to stay with someone who loves you but you don't love... u won't get hurt.
haha. love is a funny thing.
and watching tv and reading stories are part of the cause of the idealism in me. they cause you to paint a beautiful picture of what's love like, but it shatters when u come down to reality. idealism. disillusionment. you realized that's all that it was. that's what love is.
but yet, maybe that's why love's beautiful in the first place.
Am i making sense? ><
himitsu @ 1:17 AM.
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